Thursday, March 10, 2011

Blog on Pause



Sorry to anyone who has been waiting for my next post, I guess I have come to a place where I am very happy with my gay identity, happier than I have ever been before, so hopefully for the next little while I am goint to focus on that exclusively.  I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that now that I am happy to be gay, I feel no pressure to be straight so I guess I have true freedom of choice for the first time because I can choose what I want to do and who I want to be for the first time ever.  I may meet a really cool girl just around the corner and then I guess this blog with be up and running again, but at the moment I will put this one on rest, and if you would like to follow me on my other blog,  it is

gaymaninsydney.blogspot.com

Gay Man In Sydney

Many thanks to all my viewers, and please follow my new adventures at the above address. xoxo CF.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

He Who Loves Least Wins

I HATE this philosophy, but I have two male friends who live by it, one straight one gay.  I think it is immature and I can’t wait until they both get bitten in the arse by this ridiculous attitude to love and friend ship.  The straight one got his girl live in girl friend pregnant and has since had a second kid with her and he is still with holding love, saying that whoever loves the other one the least wins because the one who loves most does all the work in the relationship.  What the fuck? What a stupid way to go through life, having children with someone and still not committing and still not saying I love you.  I recon the first time he says I love you will be after the lovely girl friend, has run out of love, is dried up and bitter and is walking out the door with his two children to start a new life with someone who values her for the women with love to give that she is.  How damaged to you have to be to reduce your life to a petty  game of withholding of love, to keep the other person dancing on egg shells hoping you will one day love her? 
The gay one was my best friend and he is in a new relationship, but he is so selfish it will only be a matter of time until his new boyfriend realizes just what he has got on his hands.   My friend thinks we don’t hang out any more because he has a new boyfriend, but he doesn’t know that my new year’s resolution was not to spend any more time with him until he starts to do some self less acts.  Even though we never dated, we are very close and he had me wrapped around his little finger basically I would put all the work into our friendship not realizing I was not getting anything back because we have so much fun when we hang out.  But ask him to do anything for me that involves the slightest inconvenience and would simply say no.  And when you pointed out anything he did that annoyed you he would simply say “If you don’t like it you can fuck off.”  So I started to avoid criticizing or asking anything of him that I knew I wouldn’t get to avoid his withholding of friend ship.  That was until I got sick and he never once visited me, and then I realized in 4 years of living in Sydney he had never made the trip to my house, I had traveled to him every time we had done something, sometimes 5 nights a week.   NO MORE BUDDY!  I can’t wait until both their houses come crashing down around there ears, I can’t believe the universe hasn’t taught them to change their ways yet, it’s a flawed way of relating to the world and I CAN”T WAIT to see them humbled.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Free From Anxiety


I have been reading “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love” and its great.  Its addressing so many issues I have had about being gay, that I feel really calm after reading it.  One reason for being anxious about being gay is I was brought up in very conservation Christian house hold where they basically say gay people won’t make it into heaven.  So in keeping an open mind I decided to research what Catholic Doctrine has to say about gay people and gay marriage, to try to understand all the negativity I have been exposed to.  We’ll basically I found a site called Catholic Answers dot com, I’m not sure if its Catholic Church approved as the answers seemed cumbersome, so I would have expected some more sophistication for an official site.  It made me feel anxious again as there were statements such as “the gay life style will never be excepted because it is fundamentally against Gods natural laws” blah blah blah.  When reading their answers against “10 Things” I have decided that “10 Things” has a higher truth.  If Catholic doctrine is supposed to be well intentioned and showing the true path etc etc, I think their philosophies as flawed.  The obsession that all sexual activity can only be in Marriage and then must be open to children, reeks of people who can’t handle shades of gray and need everything to be black and white and anyone who doesn’t fit in their view of what the world should be, then they are wrong, not their own philosophies.  Has anyone ever stopped and thought is there a reason why people are made gay? Like maybe God wants gay people on earth? That we are not a mistake?  ATM the Catholic view is that some great trauma has made people gay, and through pray and healing they can be restored to how God wants everyone to be, straight.  Well I was starting to bye this theory for a little bit, because I could see a lot of trauma in my life to do with my father, and my gay friends have trauma with their Fathers as well.  But after a little while and reading some more of “10 Things” I was starting to feel good about myself again and you know what for the first time in my life I want to be gay.  I couldn’t care less if I hadn’t been traumatized but shitty parents, I would love to make a life with a man.  And now that I’m at this place, I feel free to really choose my sexuality, because now that I don’t care if I’m gay or not I feel no pressure to be straight, what will be will be.
-          If gay is a choice, then when did you choose to be straight?-
-          If AIDS is Gods punishment for gay life style, then lesbians who have the lowest AIDS rate of any group, must Gods chosen people right? –
Gay men were originally hardest hit by the AIDS virus because when there are 2 male sex drives sex is what we use to get to know each other.  Women use language and feelings, so I guess there isn’t a disease that’s spread by talking about your feelings is there.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

New Bi Game

I have come up with a cool new game that Bi Sexuals will just love.  You get lots of pituces of men and women of all different hottness levels and play one against another and see what you like better.  Google images is good for finding picis.  For example a girl who a 10 against a guy who is a 10, who would you do first?  a girl who is a 1 against a guys who is a 7, who would you do?  A guy who is a 3 against a girl who is a 9, who would you do?  and then you can find out where you prefrence lies.  Play this with you straight friends and get them to addmitt at least some bi sexuality...... lol ha ha, have fun.  Or even better play it with a gay friend and try and find a girl they would admitt to sleeping with.... now thats a challenge.









A Real GFC Success Story



I have a friend who shall remain nameless for privacy reasons, there are a few online AKA’s I could give him but they are a little too obvious, so I will go with Sir_Sex_Alot.  Any way said friend has a very successful sister and brother in-law who let their early success go to their collective heads.  Sir_Sex_Alot is to most people very successful in his own right, owning quite a famous business and having minted some quiet decent money in his twenties when business was good.  But he was cursed with a Sister who might have almost made it onto the BRW rich list some years, and all of her own doing, not family money at all.  When times got tough and even before they had, the sister and her husband thought it necessary to chastise Sir_Sex_Alot for not being as successful as they were and for even having money dramas as things got tight.  Things such as “you need to be more like us” and “All I ever see you do is drink coffee, those coffees cost $3.50 each, you should not enjoy small things like that, save money like I do and don’t spend a cent.  You enjoy those coffees far too much”.  Such trite comments were common place and made all family gatherings a nightmare as they were delivered without Sir_Sex_Alot ever asking for advice, or help or complaining about his situation, but he would be honest and say when things were not good.  Any way Sir_Sex _Alot was convinced that his sister and brother in-law had no real business brains or skill, they were completely lucky in his mind and not very skillful in the industry they chose to set up in, as they chose an industry that Apple and ITunes and Mp3 downloading has killed.  Their retail brand was very big and everyone would know it, but as luck would have it, it is no more.  The GFC came and cleansed the over leveraged bastards out of existence, and now the sister is a waitress to try and help make ends meet.  They lost their mansion and their business. 


 And the only thing they have left is their memories from their overseas trips, as even toys they owned like jet skis were never used as they were too busy working all the time even though they didn’t have to.  Sir_Sex_Alot pointed out to me, that some people it doesn’t matter how much money they have, they would never have a clue how to use to make them happy.  All they can do is make it.  They cannot for the life of them have a life or a life style, it simply eludes them to know how to have fun and use money to make people around them happy.  I love this story because I have people in my life who have seen success early and they are convinced it is their magical powers, when really it’s just luck.  If you are naturally good at a high paying high demand industry, that’s no skill to be highly paid, they will take anyone they can get.  If you are artistic like me, what chance do you have but to be poor?  I have tried to flip myself inside out to be things I am told I should be, but I hasn’t worked, no more, I am going to stick to my nature artistic ways and be damned, if I can’t make money being things I don’t want to be then I will be poor or make my fortune doing things I want to do.

Friday, February 4, 2011

So Sydney, A Trashy Thursday Night Out



“Want to go out tonight?”  “Yeah ok, but it can’t be late because I have an interview first thing in the morning”  “Yeah no probs, I can’t have a late one either, I have a big day at work tomorrow, ok see you about 9, we’ll just have a quiet drink ok”.  Thus was spoken and out lined as the plan.  Needless to say I have never seen a night go so far of plan so quickly.
I worked to 11 pm to have most of my prep done for my interview, and then we head to Oxford Street, and instead of going to Arq straight away I suggested we go to “Name This Bar” next door as it was empty and hence no line for the bar with a good DJ and I was there the night before and it had a fun vibe.  I was out with a straight mate, married with kids.  We were at the bar and two huge guys walked in; they were both muscley and good looking and could have been bouncers.  Mr. Straight Dad says to me look at those guys, they are foot ballers, first grade NRL.  I didn’t have a clue who they were, but Mr. Straight Dad being the working class hero that he is felt the need to go talk to them and confirm that they were who he thought they were.  I found them quiet off putting, as they were staring at me and not in a welcoming way.  I needed to go to the toilet and I thought before I went that blonde angry looking one would follow me and I wasn’t sure why I thought he would, it was just a feeling I had, and I didn’t know if he would be looking for trouble or….. Something else.  Anyway I was right he did follow me in 30 seconds after I had gone in to the toilets and frankly I was a little scared, why had he followed me in, was he going to cause trouble or was he a closet homo?  I decided I wasn’t about to find out and left.  My friend told me to come and join them and they were polite a fun, and we started doing rounds.  These guys were HUGE, I’m a big guy 120kg and a little scary looking but with a nice face and these guys were bigger than me, The really big front rower was probably 135 kg plus and he was really good looking and the blonde back rower was very manly but not as cute as the front rower, which is strange as its usually the other way around, but the back rower is very famous and probably has a top 15 media profile out of all the NRL.  We did 11 rounds in a little over an hour and then headed to Arq, the front rower was wearing thongs and he wanted to get in so he bought shoes off the bouncer on the door so he could come in.  We all went in and night really began.  While we were smoking outside Straight Dad told me that a dude on adult match maker and sent him a photo of his dick and it was huge half way to his knee, soft.  And then he said, “I’m really enjoying looking at guys cocks and I got a fat looking at this guys dick” well I found this a bit surprising.  But just smiled and said oh, ok, wow.  I guess a lot of straight guys like other guys dicks, they are pretty fascinating I guess.  Unfortunately Arq was a bit of a drug dealers convention last night and there was a bit of tension between the different dealer, of which my drunk friend managed to find his way into the middle of, and then get into an argument with one of the footballers.  I latter found him smoking a strangers crack pipe in the toilets.  And later in the night he came and found me and told me “I just sucked my first cock but I didn’t really like it”.  Mmmm defiantly an interesting night and an interesting friend.  I wonder did he suck cock because he was fucked up, or did he get fucked up so he could suck cock?  What came first the chicken or the egg, or in his case the cock or the alcohol.  The sun was nearly up and I wanted to get home.  I worked on my CV and made it to my interview, no longer completely Straight Dad didn’t come home with me, I think he was liking the man he had filatoed.  Our next phone call should be interesting, he phoned to tell me he skipped work today, but said “I can’t remember anything about last night”  is that code for don’t tell me what happened?  Not a chance! I will defiantly be bringing it up….. lol haha.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Success and Failure, They are Both the Same


This is part of a poem called “IF” by Rudyard Kipling and my mother gave it to me in a card for my 21st birthday, I love it I think its amazing.  I am only putting up the part that I really like, because at the time I was fascinated by the thought that triumph and disaster are imposters.  It’s just as well I took notice of that line at the time because at that stage of life, things were going very well for me, and they haven’t for 3 years or longer now.  But I use this poem to see that when I was successful, that wasn’t really my doing I was lucky, things went well for me, and when I haven’t been doing well, that’s not me either, that’s life, no one would have been able to make lemonade from my bag of lemons.  Its not me its just life and one day my luck will turn back to favor me, and I will not think I’m better than other people, I will know it’s just luck and it comes and goes and we just do the best we can.
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Fun Boys

A male, usually white, normally in college but not always. Always wears a striped button up shirt and has gel in his hair (very metro-sexual). Enjoys dancing to the latest pop or rap and doing a bad job at it. Hang out in groups of four or more and can be hard to spot do to the striped configuration while standing so close together. Can be seen giving excessive amounts of "high fives" or "ass slaps" while enjoying lite beer, ultra lite beer, or bright colored fruity drinks. They try to hook up with chicks but it never works and they go home together wondering why none of them managed to seal the deal.
"Look at those fun boys over there, they can't dance and are drinking chick drinks. I think one just had some gel drip into his beer!"

This  definition is taken from "Urban Dictionary"








In Australia I would say a fun boy is someone who goes to the music festivals, and works out at the gym a lot, likes to take drugs, especially ecstasy.  And even if they don't go to the gym, they are overly concerned with their image, so hair, facial expressions, clothes, all trying to be effortlessly cool and some achieving it with more success than others, but when they appear in a large groups together like a festival, they just look like clones of each other.
 
It’s as Mr. ANU said to me while he was in Thailand, "You see all those aussie fun boys on the beach in Phuket, you know from Joe's (St. Joseph’s Marist Brother College Sydney) all touching each other, being hyper masculine, trying to be uber straight, but they can’t keep their hands of each other and can’t stop grabbing each other’s dicks.  Wearing their festival fluro’s and new retro 80’s sunglasses everywhere they go, in large groups, can’t doing anything without at least 6 of their mates coming with them for company and moral support.”
                        
I can’t be bothered writing anything tonight, but I want to post, so enjoy the pretty pictures from the summer music festivals here in Sydney, especially any readers form the northern hemisphere suffering in the snow.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Love My Neighbour

Queensland and Victoria may be flooded but, I had one in my apartment building as well.  There was a fire in my building and there are sprinklers installed that went off and flooded three floors below.  One lady who was flooded seemed nice, and I had seen her throw a birthday party for a baby and mother even though they only know each other from living in the same building.  The lady who through the party is a Lawyer and the mother and baby are aboriginal and from far north Queensland, and we all say hello around the swimming pool.  What really impressed me is there is huge socio economic gap between these two, and I know it’s not polite to say it or think like that, but its true and its there, but the way the lawyer lady is able to bridge the gap and pretend that there was none, was really impressive.  Her flawless gracious manners are really amazing.  In a big city like Sydney were everyone is over stimulated, and no one wants to have to talk to their neighbors’ in case they make a habit of it, like has happened to me in the past (you can tell I am an Eastern Suburbs snob at heart can’t you) I am defiantly part of the problem, not the solution…. Haha lol.  I saw this women building a community around her.  My building is not that great, sure it’s nice and has a pool and tennis court, but it’s also a little bit of a Junkie den, with more than one dealer living here (next door to me actually).  The only time I want to talk to anyone in the lift is when they are brutally hot, and there is sexual tension between us, and I want to fuck them, then I’m up for a chat.
Any way I had a new bed that had come my way, so I gave it to her, I thought I didn’t need it, so why not, and I was going to give her my couch as well, but then I found her a new, better one than mine in our building that was left behind, and as I was helping her move it into her place, I saw that she had written in chalk on her wall
Today I am grateful for…….
Mmmm what a wonderful mantra, I am going to practice that every day.  Well I am sick again and unable to work today, but then a waiter got talking to me at breakfast and it turns out he is my age and his cancer has come back for a second time……. Wow made me feel a little small.  So I am grateful for not having cancer at a young age, and I am grateful for not being a dull idiot like my brother, but they are both things I am glad I am not.  So to be grateful for something I am…… smart? Sounds stuck up to say it.  I am grateful I have a gift for living life, and finding fun in almost anything.
Ps.  Lawyer lady is helping me tender for some building work being done in our building, tomorrow night at the body corporate meeting, so look from one little act of kindness, which was she offered me some champagne by the pool one hot Saturday afternoon, and then to come to the little girls 1st birthday party, I helped her find furniture when she had non, and she is helping me generate work, I also know she is a published author so maybe she will help me get published.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Down With Love: The Saunas

Take away the fear of catching something from sleeping with randoms, which is a legitimate fear in my mind, and the other negative feeling I had about going to Saunas was guilt.  Guilty about what I’m not so sure, of being caught? By who though? Who am I afraid of seeing me there or coming or going?  No one really.  The_open has a fear that he will meet someone who will judge and not date someone who goes or used to go to them, but that isn’t really a fear of mine, if they are that closed minded about sex, then we would get along anyway. 
I had a new fear in late 2009 that while I was spending all this time staring at ceilings in saunas that other boys and girls were out in the sunshine building support networks and a life together.  This paranoia that I was falling behind was highlighted one evening while I was sitting at the Five Ways chicken shop in Paddington watching all these tall, Anglo-Saxon, beautiful couples driving their beautiful European Cars, walking their designer Labra-doodle dogs, some with their Polo Ralph Lauren clad children walk and drive by.  These couples where only few years older than me, and they had their shit together, they could afford to either rent or buy a Terrace in Paddington.  I took the_open there a week latter and he had the exact same reaction that I had had the week before;  Holy shit we are falling behind and fast!  His reaction was to not go to saunas any more, well I wasn’t convinced that I could stop going, but the funny thing was that I was the one who stopped for 6 months and the_open couldn’t.  But the final 6 months of 2010 were the complete opposite, I fucked and fucked and fucked and had the most mind blowing sex of my life.  So where do I stand now? Somewhere in the middle.  I wish I put more effort into meeting new people socially, but I think sexual adventures are important as well, not that I remember them soon after they have happened.
If memories fade than building a life that is heading somewhere good is more important.  The part I hate about going to saunas now is it confirms in my mind that romance and love is dead.  That sex and orgasms are all that there is left.  I hate that.  The_open is now in a relationship that looks healthy and functional, hell has frozen over and I’m back to being living a chase life again, but not because I am trying, because I am too busy and fat, its busy fat celibacy.  I am writing this trying to gather my thoughts so I don’t go, but I can’t seem to find a good enough reason or something better to do.  May be I will go get my hair washed by the Arab hairdresser again maybe that will be enough intimacy to hold me off going.

Monday, January 17, 2011

A Confronting Hair Cut

I went back to a hair dresser in the city that I found before Christmas, he was nice and cut my hair well.  While he was cutting my hair he started talking about traveling around Europe and the best places  to party like Berlin and Ibiza, dropping a suttel, its great for girls and boys, and then out of the blue he asked are you gay?  This was not a faggy saloon, it was a man’s man barber shop and the dude cutting my hair was very straight acting.  I decided I would go with yes.  I never know how to answer this question, but seeing as he was cute, and nice I thought maybe he was sussing me out for himself.  It turns out he is Jordanian, not many Australians know much about Jordan but I lived there for a bit and I went to a diplomatic school, and two of my best friends were Jordanian Dipo Brats.  So this was very forward for a Jordanian man to ask something so personal after only meeting me twice.  I was a little shocked as I know most Arabs are very polite around sex, and I was wearing my work boots and other butch work cloths and I was covered in dirt for laboring under the hot sun all day.  If ever there was a look that would hide that I was gay, then today was the day.  And yet he saw straight through me.  I hate when people can do that.  I feel vulnerable and a little bit raped.  I like being about to control who knows and who doesn’t.  So after going quite for a few minutes I asked “how did you know I was gay? People can never pick me”  and he said, I knew you were gay, even if you had said no, I was only asking to be polite, I knew you were.  Well I still don’t know how he was so sure, but I guess he is cute and a hair dresser so he is probably pretty in tune with stuff like that.  Maybe I stared at him a bit too long, he is my type, but I thought I was discreet.   I have gotten into the habit of not looking away from guys I like, like I used to because I think if wog boys can eye ball you and stare you down, why can’t I?
He was telling me a little bit about his girlfriend and then he goes, I was gay once, well I mean I used to be gay, but now I have a girl friend I am happy and I don’t cheat or even think about cheating, but she gets a bit nervous that I will.  I asked why he even told her, and he said that she asked about him and guys, so he didn’t lie.  I thought this was nice and honest of him to tell me this, and he said he had a lot of friends who were the same, they had been with guys but they were happy with girls and didn’t cheat.  I guess he has no religious pressure on him as he made a remark about drugs and other free living comments so I think he can be his own man. 
I found the whole experience very liberating, because here was an Arab man cutting my hair, liberal in his views, nice to talk to and he said to me as I was leaving, hey mate maybe one day you will try it with a woman as well, you never know what life brings you.  I didn’t tell him I was actually bi like him, I thought I would save that for next time.  I was finding talking to him really interesting so I asked him to wash my hair so I didn’t have to leave straight away, I always find it so sexual, and seeing as he was telling me he wasn’t available I thought it was a good way to channel the sexual energy I could feel between us, and he was sensual and very good like I thought he would be.
He barely knows me and yet he felt safe and confident to be honest about who we was and his sexual experiences and where he stands, it’s so rare for Bi sexual people to open about that, it was really nice and refreshing.  I could see he had no fear or shame about who he was and it was very attractive.  May be thats why he could pick me because he can sense people who are like him.  Yet another Bi Sexual man who I found really attractive and interesting, I really do think we are the most interesting and sexiest people out there.  There must be something about a man who can find women sexy and be masculine and yet sensitive and sexually interesting enough to want to have sex with men.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Bi and Monogomas Impossible

I only just realized that Bi sexual can only exist while you’re single or cheating on a partner, because as soon as you go monogamous you have to jump to straight or gay.  Funny how that had never dawned on me before.  I guess that’s due to so little Bi culture being out there.  It’s just not present in everyday life.  If feel like I’m a tightrope walker and the crowd to telling me to jump down one side or the other, but I don’t want to, I’m having fun walking around on that rope and I think it’s kind of cool to be a tightrope walker, and to jump down one side or the other (gay or straight) is boring, the magic is in walking the tightrope, not landing in a the net (a relationship).  Being bi is as scary as walking a tightrope at times, sometimes I wish it wasn’t so adrenaline filled.
I’m only just 30 and am feeling a lot of pressure this year to be sensible and build something lasting with someone, this pressure is only coming from me, no one else, and I guess it came from being sick last year and having no one who was invested in making sure I got better.  And I guess financially I would be better off if I was partnered.  I feel that these two reasons are not good enough ones to partner off, but they are very important and sensible ones, part of growing up and older.  I have put a lot or work into embracing my gay side the last 4 months, as I have read a lot of Bi men prefer sex with men, but relationships with women, and if they can get a good health relationship working with a man, than that’s the way they choose to go.  I’m not sure that that is going to be my story, but I thought subconsciously at the time that it is better to explore that side of gay relationships than to hide from them, then to base my self knowledge on unsuccessful attempts at dating males in the past. 
I guess one of the main reasons I think I’m Bi and not gay is there is no part of my dream or fantasy life that dreams of building a life with a man.  I have absolutely no fantasies about growing old with a really good male friend, in fact when I see two old gay guys together is grosses me out a bit, I think it looks a little pathetic and tragic. 
Has my imagination never dreamed of building a life with a man because as children we are never given any examples of that happening? No fairy tales are told about a dude meeting another dude and kissing a frog and riding off into the sunset together.  My sexual imagination managed to dream about guys from a very young age, but it never dreamt about a future together, love or anything like that.  Is that why I’m Bi?  
Dating women in my 20’s has not been that successful, in fact they have all nearly been a handful, so if any of them had worked out better, would I have even gone down the gay or Bi path?  Who knows.  My life is my life, and I’m not ashamed, in fact I think I may have been very lucky with my 20’s sex life, but if I had fitted neatly into either the gay or straight box, I think life may have been a fair bit easier. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

Single & Fabulous Question Mark


When I agreed to do this photo shoot I was told it would be “Single and Fabulous” statement, not “Single and Fabulous?”  That question mark is hostile.  I love that line and the whole episode of Sex and the City, because the confidence of these 4 confident 30 something women is shaken to their collective core when an article attached to a magazine shoot that Carrie agrees to do questions just how fabulous it is to be single forever.
I never presume that I am fabulous, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and apparently compared to a lot of people in my life I am quite fabulous, as I found last year when I became very sick.  My friends tell me that I am fabulous to my face, regularly, supportively, mean it and say it with enthusiastic kindness.  So am a little weary of taking compliments too seriously.  But when I was ill and at my lowest I found out just how many people are envious on me.  Not my friends, they were wonderful as always, but family and people who popular culture says will be there for you, took the chance when I was at my lowest to let it slip just how much they were jealous of me.  Of course they never said jealous, but their real feeling managed to slip around the edges as I was laying sick in bed in hospitable .  Not much to be jealous of I would have thought, when I was sick, unemployed, nearly homeless and overweight, but apparently people worth millions of dollars can still be jealous of me.  They look to have it all on the outside, but on the inside they are as hollow as a doughnut.  And as unhappy as I had guessed they were.  Society rewards the strangest people; those who are selfish and live only for themselves and live totally unbalanced lives seem to end up with everything materially.  I would have thought the universe would have a better way of leveling unbalance selfish behavior but, no they seem to get away with it.
 
 While watching Bridget Jones 2, the Edge of Reason, one of my favorite lines is “So as you can see the incredible truth is the wilderness years are over, Bridget Jones is a love prior no more”   What a wonderful way of describing single dome.  Lost in the wilderness, searching for your way back to civilization, like Dr. Livingstone, wondering around Africa searching for Stanley.  And love is like civilization, calming, nurturing, exciting, not lonely and civilizing.  And bad dates and relationships would be the wild beasts of the jungle and the sense of loneliness that comes from being single, would leave, like finding a town in the middle of nowhere. 
My other favorite line is when she gets back to England after to being locked up in jail for over a month in Thailand, and she arrives back to meet the press and her parents at the airport and her mother says “Terribly sorry for not writing dear, it’s just I’ve been so terribly busy lately.”  How funny, your only daughter is in jail on drugs charges and her mother is so wrapped up in her own life she can’t even find time to write to her let alone visit her.  Sounds like my family. 

Monday, January 10, 2011

Single Bi-Sexual Male Seeking Woman

http://thefreshxpress.com/2010/10/single-black-male-in-search-of-or-where-are-all-the-good-black-women/

If you want an interesting read, read this, and the comments, very educational, for everyone.

This is what my reply was.

Maybe a Bi man can love you in a way no other man can.  The caring heart of a gay man with the sex drive of a straight man?  Perhaps the best way of looking at it is not a problem at all, but a wonderful positive situation, and the person who gets to marry a Bi man is a lucky women and she will go on to have a wonderful marriage that is warm and full of love and care.  Emotional distance from men would be one of the main problems in marriage as people grow older isn't it?  When I look at how bottled up my brothers and male friends are all I can think is who ever ends up with them will be very lonely.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Bi Polar Bi Sexual

When I saw Bi Polar come up under a google search I did for Bi Sexual, after first being offended that they were linked, my second reaction was to wonder if there was a reason a mental health disorder would have a similar name to a sexual orientation, which I happen to believe there is nothing wrong with.  I think it is social conditioning that has led society to have a problem with Bi Sexual people.  I have been having a few moment lately were I feel as though being Bi Sexual is just all too much and TOO hard and want to hide under a rock and go back to a time where I hide and repressed all these feelings.  I think being a Bi Sexual Male in 2010 is as hard as being a pioneer gay in the 1970’s.  Gay is accepted and understood, and Bi is still so hard to be accepted as a realistic dateable option by either orientation.  When choosing to live openly as Bi sexual other people don’t seem to realize there is a level of honesty and commitment that comes in doing something so socially challenging.  That they don’t seem to understand that when I say I love YOU, that I mean it and yes I do think you can meet my needs and I won’t need to cheat to have my needs met.
As of today I am beginning to wonder if being Bi Sexual may in the end make me Bi Polar. L J  look I’m already sad and happy at the same time, even my emotioncons get it, why can’t others?  i'm not a liability, I'm a decent honest person who know a lot about committing to things that aren't easy.  If if you don't want to get serious I'm a hell of a good time,- no one knows how to have fun like a Bi Sexual, - hey I think I just made a bumper sticker.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Who Will Be Next Out - In the AFL or NRL


Sure they are sexy men with high salaries and public profiles, but that isn’t the only reason I’m thinking about who’s gay or Bi in the NRL or AFL, its sheer statistics, 200 plus men in each code at the top leave, I think gay in the population runs at 5% to 10 % depending on where you see stats, and I think same sex experimentation runs much higher, like 50 % plus.  So I know it’s hard for them to out when their public image declares that they be big tough men, and if they sneak round they could be outed.  Other than Ian Roberts no one has done it.  I think people were suspecting a flood after he did but it never happened.  And I think that people are shocked as still don’t know why more haven’t, even if was outed in a scandal or waiting until they had retired and then coming out.  Eddie McGuire has gone on record as saying he knows of several in the AFL that had indicated to him that they are, but he will obviously never say anything unless they chose to come out.
 
So I have no insider info, but what I would like to do is run sweep to see who people think will be next.  You can nominate who you want to be next out, in two ways, the person you think is gay will be outed or the footballer that you would most like to be gay, but please indicate whether it’s just a wish or based on suspicions or facts.

My nomination is Paul Licuria, he is on my wish list because he is so dreamy, do I think he is? No prof but my gaydar says yeah maybe, but I doubt he would ever go public.  In my fantasy he has to be in the closet and do it with his friends or team mates who also have to be discreet.  Some like Brody Holland…. Mmmm that would be nice.

Oh and another nomination, Ben Cusins, what was all that drug use about? I’m thinking he was trying to repress the fact that he’s a blatant homosexual… haha, well I recon he would be brave enough to come out after all his other public trouble, let’s see if I’m right.

Bi Man About Town - Opening Round

It’s a New Year and time for a new blog.  I have been writing Gay Man In Sydney for two and half months now it’s going very well, gaymaninsydney.blogspot.com but part of the reason for writing it was to explore the gay side of my identity in depth and to confront things people having been saying to me my whole life “you're gay you just can’t admit it to yourself.  I never thought they were right, but I have grown up with a lot of religious bigotry and no expectance around me so I thought maybe I would be out to everyone if didn’t have that pressure around me.  But after a few months of exploring this side of me exclusively in a positive accepting way I am no closer to thinking that that’s who I am exclusively.  There seems to be a heterosexual side to me that won’t go away no matter how hard I try and kill it.  Being Bi is very lonely.  By its very nature it is duplicitous;  to be bi you basically have to have two lives as there are very few accepting people out there who get it, or accept it.  People like other people tucked away in nice little boxes, safely confined to stereo types and, Bi sexual just fucks with most people’s heads, they hate people who blur the line especially sexually.
I don’t feel I can write about any bisexual things in-depth on my other blog as gay people seem to be just as upset if not more by bisexual  people and view them as weak, and “fags who aren’t strong enough to come out properly” like they have.  So to explore this side of my life in proper detail, I am starting this Bi Man About Town.  I hate the name Bi, but I guess Homo and Hetro aren’t much better.  Try sexual was funny until it was being used as a gag line by old women in movies “I’m try sexual” would be trotted out by some old dear for a cheap laugh.  Ambidextrous is my favorite term, but I’m not sure it has the same ring to it: Ambidextrous man about town?