Thursday, March 10, 2011

Blog on Pause

Sorry to anyone who has been waiting for my next post, I guess I have come to a place where I am very happy with my gay identity, happier than I have ever been before, so hopefully for the next little while I am goint to focus on that exclusively.  I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that now that I am happy to be gay, I feel no pressure to be straight so I guess I have true freedom of choice for the first time because I can choose what I want to do and who I want to be for the first time ever.  I may meet a really cool girl just around the corner and then I guess this blog with be up and running again, but at the moment I will put this one on rest, and if you would like to follow me on my other blog,  it is

Gay Man In Sydney

Many thanks to all my viewers, and please follow my new adventures at the above address. xoxo CF.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

He Who Loves Least Wins

I HATE this philosophy, but I have two male friends who live by it, one straight one gay.  I think it is immature and I can’t wait until they both get bitten in the arse by this ridiculous attitude to love and friend ship.  The straight one got his girl live in girl friend pregnant and has since had a second kid with her and he is still with holding love, saying that whoever loves the other one the least wins because the one who loves most does all the work in the relationship.  What the fuck? What a stupid way to go through life, having children with someone and still not committing and still not saying I love you.  I recon the first time he says I love you will be after the lovely girl friend, has run out of love, is dried up and bitter and is walking out the door with his two children to start a new life with someone who values her for the women with love to give that she is.  How damaged to you have to be to reduce your life to a petty  game of withholding of love, to keep the other person dancing on egg shells hoping you will one day love her? 
The gay one was my best friend and he is in a new relationship, but he is so selfish it will only be a matter of time until his new boyfriend realizes just what he has got on his hands.   My friend thinks we don’t hang out any more because he has a new boyfriend, but he doesn’t know that my new year’s resolution was not to spend any more time with him until he starts to do some self less acts.  Even though we never dated, we are very close and he had me wrapped around his little finger basically I would put all the work into our friendship not realizing I was not getting anything back because we have so much fun when we hang out.  But ask him to do anything for me that involves the slightest inconvenience and would simply say no.  And when you pointed out anything he did that annoyed you he would simply say “If you don’t like it you can fuck off.”  So I started to avoid criticizing or asking anything of him that I knew I wouldn’t get to avoid his withholding of friend ship.  That was until I got sick and he never once visited me, and then I realized in 4 years of living in Sydney he had never made the trip to my house, I had traveled to him every time we had done something, sometimes 5 nights a week.   NO MORE BUDDY!  I can’t wait until both their houses come crashing down around there ears, I can’t believe the universe hasn’t taught them to change their ways yet, it’s a flawed way of relating to the world and I CAN”T WAIT to see them humbled.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Free From Anxiety

I have been reading “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love” and its great.  Its addressing so many issues I have had about being gay, that I feel really calm after reading it.  One reason for being anxious about being gay is I was brought up in very conservation Christian house hold where they basically say gay people won’t make it into heaven.  So in keeping an open mind I decided to research what Catholic Doctrine has to say about gay people and gay marriage, to try to understand all the negativity I have been exposed to.  We’ll basically I found a site called Catholic Answers dot com, I’m not sure if its Catholic Church approved as the answers seemed cumbersome, so I would have expected some more sophistication for an official site.  It made me feel anxious again as there were statements such as “the gay life style will never be excepted because it is fundamentally against Gods natural laws” blah blah blah.  When reading their answers against “10 Things” I have decided that “10 Things” has a higher truth.  If Catholic doctrine is supposed to be well intentioned and showing the true path etc etc, I think their philosophies as flawed.  The obsession that all sexual activity can only be in Marriage and then must be open to children, reeks of people who can’t handle shades of gray and need everything to be black and white and anyone who doesn’t fit in their view of what the world should be, then they are wrong, not their own philosophies.  Has anyone ever stopped and thought is there a reason why people are made gay? Like maybe God wants gay people on earth? That we are not a mistake?  ATM the Catholic view is that some great trauma has made people gay, and through pray and healing they can be restored to how God wants everyone to be, straight.  Well I was starting to bye this theory for a little bit, because I could see a lot of trauma in my life to do with my father, and my gay friends have trauma with their Fathers as well.  But after a little while and reading some more of “10 Things” I was starting to feel good about myself again and you know what for the first time in my life I want to be gay.  I couldn’t care less if I hadn’t been traumatized but shitty parents, I would love to make a life with a man.  And now that I’m at this place, I feel free to really choose my sexuality, because now that I don’t care if I’m gay or not I feel no pressure to be straight, what will be will be.
-          If gay is a choice, then when did you choose to be straight?-
-          If AIDS is Gods punishment for gay life style, then lesbians who have the lowest AIDS rate of any group, must Gods chosen people right? –
Gay men were originally hardest hit by the AIDS virus because when there are 2 male sex drives sex is what we use to get to know each other.  Women use language and feelings, so I guess there isn’t a disease that’s spread by talking about your feelings is there.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

New Bi Game

I have come up with a cool new game that Bi Sexuals will just love.  You get lots of pituces of men and women of all different hottness levels and play one against another and see what you like better.  Google images is good for finding picis.  For example a girl who a 10 against a guy who is a 10, who would you do first?  a girl who is a 1 against a guys who is a 7, who would you do?  A guy who is a 3 against a girl who is a 9, who would you do?  and then you can find out where you prefrence lies.  Play this with you straight friends and get them to addmitt at least some bi sexuality...... lol ha ha, have fun.  Or even better play it with a gay friend and try and find a girl they would admitt to sleeping with.... now thats a challenge.

Who Will It Be?

I have made quite a bit of progress on my Bi sexual journey of discovery.  I guess if you are bi-sexual you probably get frustrated like me wondering what side of the fence you are eventually going to come down on, and will you build a life with a man or a woman.  Wondering about this certainly makes me dizzy as it does my head in.  Any way the things that have changed are due to a book I have been reading called “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Lasting Love” and I LOVE it is so not boring and a great read.  Any way this book has tapped into a lot of gay prejudges that I have and I have excised them and are more comfortable in my own skin.  Since reading “Velvet Rage” I have been wondering why I never dream about building a life with a man?  I mean I have based most of Bi Sexuality on not being able to get close to men emotionally.  I love women for closeness and not bothered either way about sex, but prefer men for casual encounters as it’s just easier.  Any way building a life with a man since starting to read “10 Things” has started to form in my dream life, and thoughts and I am excited! Not scared! I thought that if I had to go fully gay and not hide, it would be scary for me, but it isn’t I am excited about meeting some wonderful guy and building a great life, no shame and no fear.  Having said that my feelings for women have not really reduced at all, I just haven’t date any for a long time now and don’t have any on the horizon.  One question that seems to be floating about in my head is to do with children.  I’m in two minds.  One thought is that the world, and my life has been terrible to date and I would never want to bring a child into this miserable place.  So  that makes me want to be gay even more.  And then I think well if I crank the happiness dial in my mind and I believe that the world is kind of cool and great, wouldn’t I want bring and raise a child in this world?  I would never marry just to have kids, but if I am life positive, and think I want to give life to someone else, then I kind of makes sense to go down the hetro road, although I have fostered before and would also like to be a cool gay dad, so I don’t care really, I could do the child thing either way.  I’m not sure that I want to be another egotistical arsehole who brings another child into this world because they are so blind that they think the world needs more of them! Haven’t you ever seen that, some fat boggan arsehole with 6 kids in the shopping centre, always out the front of Woolworths, because all they can do is consume food, and you think, why? More of you, really, is that what the world needed.  I think stop having kids and get a life and a clue you breeder arsehole.   Should my life be about making the world a better place? Not more people in it?  But either way I am at a point where I am totally comfortable making a life with a man or a woman.  I find myself thinking, who am I going to meet in the future?  Who is going to be this wonderful person who I like more than anyone else?  Is my best friend going to be a man or a woman?  It’s really very exciting, everyone I meet is a possibility.  I feel like, is there a girl out there who is so cool that she can be my best mate?
Can she really be cooler than all my male friends and men who I will meet in the future?  And after only reading one and half chapters I already feel so together and issueless that I really want to talk to gay men and view them with new eyes.  I feel like I am the package, if any dude talks to me he would be lucky to have me as his partner, as I feel like I have a lot of love and great skills to make everything work.  Exciting times ahead.

A Real GFC Success Story

I have a friend who shall remain nameless for privacy reasons, there are a few online AKA’s I could give him but they are a little too obvious, so I will go with Sir_Sex_Alot.  Any way said friend has a very successful sister and brother in-law who let their early success go to their collective heads.  Sir_Sex_Alot is to most people very successful in his own right, owning quite a famous business and having minted some quiet decent money in his twenties when business was good.  But he was cursed with a Sister who might have almost made it onto the BRW rich list some years, and all of her own doing, not family money at all.  When times got tough and even before they had, the sister and her husband thought it necessary to chastise Sir_Sex_Alot for not being as successful as they were and for even having money dramas as things got tight.  Things such as “you need to be more like us” and “All I ever see you do is drink coffee, those coffees cost $3.50 each, you should not enjoy small things like that, save money like I do and don’t spend a cent.  You enjoy those coffees far too much”.  Such trite comments were common place and made all family gatherings a nightmare as they were delivered without Sir_Sex_Alot ever asking for advice, or help or complaining about his situation, but he would be honest and say when things were not good.  Any way Sir_Sex _Alot was convinced that his sister and brother in-law had no real business brains or skill, they were completely lucky in his mind and not very skillful in the industry they chose to set up in, as they chose an industry that Apple and ITunes and Mp3 downloading has killed.  Their retail brand was very big and everyone would know it, but as luck would have it, it is no more.  The GFC came and cleansed the over leveraged bastards out of existence, and now the sister is a waitress to try and help make ends meet.  They lost their mansion and their business. 

 And the only thing they have left is their memories from their overseas trips, as even toys they owned like jet skis were never used as they were too busy working all the time even though they didn’t have to.  Sir_Sex_Alot pointed out to me, that some people it doesn’t matter how much money they have, they would never have a clue how to use to make them happy.  All they can do is make it.  They cannot for the life of them have a life or a life style, it simply eludes them to know how to have fun and use money to make people around them happy.  I love this story because I have people in my life who have seen success early and they are convinced it is their magical powers, when really it’s just luck.  If you are naturally good at a high paying high demand industry, that’s no skill to be highly paid, they will take anyone they can get.  If you are artistic like me, what chance do you have but to be poor?  I have tried to flip myself inside out to be things I am told I should be, but I hasn’t worked, no more, I am going to stick to my nature artistic ways and be damned, if I can’t make money being things I don’t want to be then I will be poor or make my fortune doing things I want to do.

Friday, February 4, 2011

So Sydney, A Trashy Thursday Night Out

“Want to go out tonight?”  “Yeah ok, but it can’t be late because I have an interview first thing in the morning”  “Yeah no probs, I can’t have a late one either, I have a big day at work tomorrow, ok see you about 9, we’ll just have a quiet drink ok”.  Thus was spoken and out lined as the plan.  Needless to say I have never seen a night go so far of plan so quickly.
I worked to 11 pm to have most of my prep done for my interview, and then we head to Oxford Street, and instead of going to Arq straight away I suggested we go to “Name This Bar” next door as it was empty and hence no line for the bar with a good DJ and I was there the night before and it had a fun vibe.  I was out with a straight mate, married with kids.  We were at the bar and two huge guys walked in; they were both muscley and good looking and could have been bouncers.  Mr. Straight Dad says to me look at those guys, they are foot ballers, first grade NRL.  I didn’t have a clue who they were, but Mr. Straight Dad being the working class hero that he is felt the need to go talk to them and confirm that they were who he thought they were.  I found them quiet off putting, as they were staring at me and not in a welcoming way.  I needed to go to the toilet and I thought before I went that blonde angry looking one would follow me and I wasn’t sure why I thought he would, it was just a feeling I had, and I didn’t know if he would be looking for trouble or….. Something else.  Anyway I was right he did follow me in 30 seconds after I had gone in to the toilets and frankly I was a little scared, why had he followed me in, was he going to cause trouble or was he a closet homo?  I decided I wasn’t about to find out and left.  My friend told me to come and join them and they were polite a fun, and we started doing rounds.  These guys were HUGE, I’m a big guy 120kg and a little scary looking but with a nice face and these guys were bigger than me, The really big front rower was probably 135 kg plus and he was really good looking and the blonde back rower was very manly but not as cute as the front rower, which is strange as its usually the other way around, but the back rower is very famous and probably has a top 15 media profile out of all the NRL.  We did 11 rounds in a little over an hour and then headed to Arq, the front rower was wearing thongs and he wanted to get in so he bought shoes off the bouncer on the door so he could come in.  We all went in and night really began.  While we were smoking outside Straight Dad told me that a dude on adult match maker and sent him a photo of his dick and it was huge half way to his knee, soft.  And then he said, “I’m really enjoying looking at guys cocks and I got a fat looking at this guys dick” well I found this a bit surprising.  But just smiled and said oh, ok, wow.  I guess a lot of straight guys like other guys dicks, they are pretty fascinating I guess.  Unfortunately Arq was a bit of a drug dealers convention last night and there was a bit of tension between the different dealer, of which my drunk friend managed to find his way into the middle of, and then get into an argument with one of the footballers.  I latter found him smoking a strangers crack pipe in the toilets.  And later in the night he came and found me and told me “I just sucked my first cock but I didn’t really like it”.  Mmmm defiantly an interesting night and an interesting friend.  I wonder did he suck cock because he was fucked up, or did he get fucked up so he could suck cock?  What came first the chicken or the egg, or in his case the cock or the alcohol.  The sun was nearly up and I wanted to get home.  I worked on my CV and made it to my interview, no longer completely Straight Dad didn’t come home with me, I think he was liking the man he had filatoed.  Our next phone call should be interesting, he phoned to tell me he skipped work today, but said “I can’t remember anything about last night”  is that code for don’t tell me what happened?  Not a chance! I will defiantly be bringing it up….. lol haha.