Bi and Monogomas Impossible

I only just realized that Bi sexual can only exist while you’re single or cheating on a partner, because as soon as you go monogamous you have to jump to straight or gay.  Funny how that had never dawned on me before.  I guess that’s due to so little Bi culture being out there.  It’s just not present in everyday life.  If feel like I’m a tightrope walker and the crowd to telling me to jump down one side or the other, but I don’t want to, I’m having fun walking around on that rope and I think it’s kind of cool to be a tightrope walker, and to jump down one side or the other (gay or straight) is boring, the magic is in walking the tightrope, not landing in a the net (a relationship).  Being bi is as scary as walking a tightrope at times, sometimes I wish it wasn’t so adrenaline filled.

I’m only just 30 and am feeling a lot of pressure this year to be sensible and build something lasting with someone, this pressure is only coming from me, no one else, and I guess it came from being sick last year and having no one who was invested in making sure I got better.  And I guess financially I would be better off if I was partnered.  I feel that these two reasons are not good enough ones to partner off, but they are very important and sensible ones, part of growing up and older.  I have put a lot or work into embracing my gay side the last 4 months, as I have read a lot of Bi men prefer sex with men, but relationships with women, and if they can get a good health relationship working with a man, than that’s the way they choose to go.  I’m not sure that that is going to be my story, but I thought subconsciously at the time that it is better to explore that side of gay relationships than to hide from them, then to base my self knowledge on unsuccessful attempts at dating males in the past. 

I guess one of the main reasons I think I’m Bi and not gay is there is no part of my dream or fantasy life that dreams of building a life with a man.  I have absolutely no fantasies about growing old with a really good male friend, in fact when I see two old gay guys together is grosses me out a bit, I think it looks a little pathetic and tragic. 

Has my imagination never dreamed of building a life with a man because as children we are never given any examples of that happening? No fairy tales are told about a dude meeting another dude and kissing a frog and riding off into the sunset together.  My sexual imagination managed to dream about guys from a very young age, but it never dreamt about a future together, love or anything like that.  Is that why I’m Bi?  

Dating women in my 20’s has not been that successful, in fact they have all nearly been a handful, so if any of them had worked out better, would I have even gone down the gay or Bi path?  Who knows.  My life is my life, and I’m not ashamed, in fact I think I may have been very lucky with my 20’s sex life, but if I had fitted neatly into either the gay or straight box, I think life may have been a fair bit easier.